A look. A phase. A touch. A tone of voice. A sound. A smell. A joke. Someone standing between you and the door. Anything at all can trigger it.
Tears start to form under the surface, but mostly they’re frozen. Not now. Now theyre white hot, threatening to unravel your very ability to breathe and stand upright.
You fling yourself into the dunkin donuts public restroom, dropping your keys on the grimy floor without a second thought and choke out the first cry, that is more a gasping for air because youre not sure you remember how to breathe. Space and time have become muted, you dont feel safe, and theres a numbness that has passed over you, only allowing you to feel helpless to the wave you have to ride to the end. The tears finally flow, like the dingy faucet thats already been tripped by the sensor 14 times in 2 minutes. It helps, actually— the annoyance of it reminds you of where you are and that your life actually isnt in danger.
Deep breaths. Exhale. Wipe your face. Say to the mirror. You’re. Okay. You’re okay.
Happy Tuesday!
You’re almost late for a meeting.
***you never know what someone else is struggling with. Be kind.
Kids church was cancelled due to illness this week. We were already running a light crew for the 4th Sunday schedule, and with Christmas break, and sickness, we had no one left to volunteer. Whatever has gripped our community hit us all hard, and we are praying for everyone going through it and still on the mend. The existing volunteers already volunteer their time, and cover the gaps again and again. They are amazing, and I am in awe of every one of them. I felt discouraged that I had to close, and one of these lovely ladies set my mind at ease and told me it sometimes happens, and allows the church family to see the need we have for more volunteers and that it would be nice for me to spend the time in service with my family. But here’s the thing nobody knows. I spent the service in my office, with my 3 year old. Because, he is the kind of 3 year old that has very very ADHD. The kind that is sweet and loving and smart, and just can’t sit still. The reason I got involved in kids church was because I KNOW what its like to have kids. Three of them. They are the absolute joy of my life, and every day I question if I am doing it all wrong. I know what its like to have kids with emotional regulation struggles, sensory overload, anxiety, ADHD, autism, and so much more that can’t be described as words on a page. I survive on a steady dose of caffeine because we all know with 3 kids you don’t ever sleep. I have read every book, taken classes, seen every kind of (speech, occupational) therapist, every counselor, sat in every IEP meeting, written every kind of teacher email, received every kind of principal phone call, dealt with bullying, judgemental strangers, people that understand, people that dont. I know what it’s like to not have enough help. To feel like you’re on an island, with too many demands for one person. And that being able to go to church, and feel like your kids are happy, safe and learning about faith, is the solace my heart depended on, Sunday after Sunday.
I was the mom that showed up soooo late to church myself, week after week after week, because I could barely get us all out of the house. You name it, I’ve seen it. All the reasons someone could be late, we have encountered it. One week we made it with 20 minutes left— and walked in and snuck in the back. I told the kids it didn’t matter. The enemy wouldn’t win. We still made it. And one week, after I settled in the youngest, he cuddled in the big armchair with his favotite volunteers, I caught a few mintures of the service on the couch and felt like crying. WHAT am I doing wrong? I thought. But, we were there. It was the once a week hour that I could cry, pray, get in the word, feel uplifted. I didn’t get involved. We came in. Sat in the back. Left. For years, on and off. I was in a place in life where I felt stuck, and then shattered. Then, one Sunday a little girl in nursery came and gave me a big hug. It was the kind of time in my life where God KNEW I needed that hug. And purpose. I kept thinking about it. And in service, Pastor said something to the effect of if you have gifts or something to offer, then not to be afraid and to go for it. I made the decision to get a volunteer application. I left it in my Bible for a month. I was terrified. Naturally incredibly shy— I love people, and kids especially, but never want to be the center of attention. I’ll be the one in the back, with a book. I didn’t know anyone in the kids ministry, and it was hard for me to make that decision. I am so glad that I did. My first week we had such a busy and chaotic time, but I didnt take it as an oh no, I took it as an how can I help and make this better. I have zero quit in me. I ended up enjoying my time and getting to know the other volunteers, and my monthly volunteer time filled my cup like I had no idea that it would. The church provided me a place to remeber my values, helpimg lay the roots I am the one responsible for providing my children, and the kind of people that I want surrounding us in life. When I am low, they lift me up. When I get grumpy, they remind me of what matters. When I need help, they offer it. And, we pray. There’s nothing like standing there talking one minute, and then bowing your head in prayer with someone who offers to pray for you. Its unlike any other kindness I have experienced.
One of my sons volunteers now, he didn’t think he would be good at it, and now he helps every week. He plays basketball with some of the boys, and has a great big brother kind of energy that I am so proud of him for. Another of my own kids sat (and still does!) On the couch in front of the fire and sips a hot cocoa instead of being in service or kids church because he feels safe and comfortable there. And after ebough consistency, he found a friend, and has joined kids church. That makes my heart so full. And my 3 year old, he is still learning. Aren’t we all? And its okay. I don’t feel judged. Because we are a family. There’s always a hug and a smile, and a prayer waiting for you. It’s not perfect. We all struggle. We are, all, in fact– souls, having a human experience. But having good people to share it with, to remind you when you need reminding– is a blessing.
So—I see you. Please. Keep coming in. Even if you’re late. Even if you have a wiggly kiddo. Even if you miss a week. Or 10. Even if your child has a meltdown. Even if you worry they won’t sit still. Even if the enemy wants to keep you home. This war is a spiritual one, and we have to stick together. And— if it’s on your heart to get involved, if youre not a teacher, thats okay–you don’t need that kind of a background to help. Even if you have ideas where you see a need or where there’s a gap or have a concern. Even if you just want to pop in and see what we are about, ask me, I would love to give a tour of what we do in kids church, at the front desk, nursery, preschool, older kids, preteens or teen ministry— don’t be afraid of it. Its changed my life, and my kids, for the better.
Rebuilding a life is hard and hungry work. A year ago, I was on break at work, staring at a blank facebook friends list, a brand new start, because my old one had been comandeered–and my old life had been unceremoniously turned inside out. In a moment of, well how else am I going to begin again unless I jump, unafraid, one of my goals was to stop being scared of connection, making friends and allowing myself to live again. I had felt isolated for so long, that it was really scary, but I did it anyway. I clicked through the list of people you may know to add, and hit the buttons on everyone from my life that I had positve memories, who had good energy and who would welcome taking a trip down memory lane and enjoying seeing if they were doing well. When I scrolled across Alex’s name, someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in over 20 years, I said out loud: oh my GOSH, I LOVED that kid!! I remembered him from 7th grade homeroom, a bowl cut, big brown eyes and silly expressions, flared JNCO jeans and a brown and white striped T shirt. Aimlessly wandering the halls and never could sit still, always questioning the teacher and making us all laugh, teacher included. He was their favorite troublemaker because he had a big heart. I was terrified to make eye contact with anyone let alone speak in middle school, and I was unsure of myself and quiet, reading because it was basically emotional support the way we use our phones now not to be awkward in public. I have a distinct memory of him always making me feel at ease, always talking to me when nobody else did, and then bouncing happily on his way. I wasnt in a mental position to date, but really craved friends and connection, so when he asked me to meet him for coffee, I ignored it and was just going to not respond.
The client I was working with at this time in homecare, was someone who I will always be grateful for. Let’s call him Bill. We had some truly wonderful talks about life, love, healing, friendships, raising children, and starting over. Bill said one of his biggest life regrets was not getting back out there, not in a dating way, but moreover giving yourself a second shot at life, after divorce. That when you pour everything into your children, just work to survive, and encase yourself in bitterness and never allow yourself to see whats out there, you arent just shortchanging yourself, but your kids, too. He told me not to be ridiculous and to just go have coffee with my friend and catch up. So I did.
We met in Augusta at the Panera and had the best time. It felt like being a kid again, he got me out of my head and made me laugh, we talked about our kids and how life doesnt turn out how you imagine, and were able to talk like 20 years never passed. We ended up talking over the vacuum cleaners as we realized we’d shut the place down, and I asked him if he wanted to test the theory we had about the walmart cashiers at checkout and how the length of the line never matters, its about the energy of the person… we ended up walking around walmart looking at toddler socks, and a hideous track suit I talked him out of buying (sorry, it really was terrible, leave the JNCO stripe in the past where it belongs, you know?) talking about politics and feeling grateful to have someone to talk to, match my energy and values. We ended up looking for rubber ducks, because his theory was why do the jeep owners get to have all the fun, and walked out buying a fishing net for one of my kids. We drove around the plaza and both stopped and said: ” ooooooh! Christmas lights!!!! At the same time, with a mixtrue of delight and wistfulness when we saw them already lit up in the plaza. Jinx. It was the most fun and the most I’ve felt like myself since middle school. The next day we ended up getting coffee at my house after work and he brought Henry over, his adorable nearly 1 year old, and I surrounded us with all my own toddlers toys and had coffee and played. It felt natural, easy, and we’ve been inseperable pretty much ever since.
Alex has turned into my absolute best friend. Hes been there for me in the most challenging chapter of my life, the chapter where you have to rebuild, and have no idea what youre doing, you feel like you have to apologize to everyone for even existing, and youre constantly learning, which means youre STRUGGLING. 💙 I got really involved in the church, and he started bringing his kids with him on Sundays, walking Henry in the back, and Emma his sweet daughter would color with Dom next to me. On sundays we would hang out, we went sledding, to the kids museum, or to his house for ice cream sundaes and a movie. We even went to see Santa together. The boys really needed someone besides me, and it was a great non threatening and positive presence for them in their lives. He scoured facebook marketplace for me to find a snowblower because he knew I couldn’t afford to have someone plow, and I would be alone, at 4 AM shoveling me and the boys out all winter. He gave me advice when I felt defeated in court or with any custody issues. He met me in the parking lot of the Sam’s club and introduced me to the wonders there, because his snack game was on point and put mine to shame for packing school lunches. We had so much fun, and were also there for each other on the hard days. When you feel like youre falling apart. We prayed together. We sat in a quiet church service on a mid week Wednesday and just cried. He was the one who found out Anthony should do track this year because he listened to him when he said he was interested in the gym. We had a chicken picnic in my car, I read self help books out loud and we dug into a rotisserie chicken and some supermarket cheesecake while we watched the sun go down. He brought me antiquing, and I brought him to art museums. He helped Dominic get rid of some fears and always was there to listen. He helped me when I was at my wits end with Joey, backing me up and offering new ideas and support. He got Anthony a fishing pole and took him out because he knew how much it meant to him because I was hopeless with fish. He taught Joe how to dig up worms and was always patient and kind with all of us when we were collectively a real hot mess some days. He never got mad, raised his voice or spoke unkindly. He’s been the kind of friend I couldn’t have made possible on my own.
I was reflecting this week on God’s plans, and how theyre not designed by you for a reason. We arent supposed to know the whole plan, just bits and pieces. Being grateful isnt just for the month of November, and its a practice I have to remind myself of when I only see part of God’s plan and get overwhelmed or frustrated with life and how its not going how I anticipated or wanted it to. I am leaning hard into my faith in this season, and I am truly grateful that I was gifted a best friend to share the last year with. Thank you, Alex.
MusingsFromBritt 