MusingsFromBritt

Rebuilding a life is hard and hungry work. A year ago, I was on break at work, staring at a blank facebook friends list, a brand new start, because my old one had been comandeered–and my old life had been unceremoniously turned inside out. In a  moment of, well how else am I going to begin again unless I jump, unafraid, one of my goals was to stop being scared of connection, making friends and allowing myself to live again. I had felt isolated for so long, that it was really scary, but I did it anyway. I clicked through the list of people you may know to add, and hit the buttons on everyone from my life that I had positve memories, who had good energy and who  would welcome taking a trip down memory lane and enjoying seeing if they were doing well. When I scrolled across Alex’s name, someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in over 20 years, I said out loud: oh my GOSH, I LOVED that kid!! I remembered him from 7th grade homeroom, a bowl cut, big brown eyes and silly expressions, flared JNCO jeans and a brown and white striped T shirt.  Aimlessly wandering the halls and never could sit still, always questioning the teacher and making us all laugh, teacher included. He was their favorite troublemaker because he had a big heart. I was terrified to make eye contact with anyone let alone speak in middle school, and I was unsure of myself and quiet, reading because it was basically emotional support the way we use our phones now not to be awkward in public. I have a distinct memory of him always making me feel at ease, always talking to me when nobody else did, and then bouncing happily on his way. I wasnt in a mental position to date, but really craved friends and connection, so when he asked me to meet him for coffee, I ignored it and was just going to not respond.

The client I was working with at this time in homecare, was someone who I will always be grateful for. Let’s call him Bill. We had some truly wonderful talks about life, love, healing, friendships, raising children, and starting over. Bill said one of his biggest life regrets was not getting back out there, not in a dating way, but moreover giving yourself a second shot at life, after divorce. That when you pour everything into your children, just work to survive, and encase yourself in bitterness and never allow yourself to see whats out there, you arent just shortchanging yourself, but your kids, too. He told me not to be ridiculous and to just go have coffee with my friend and catch up. So I did.

We met in Augusta at the Panera and had the best time. It felt like being a kid again, he got me out of my head and made me laugh, we talked about our kids and how life doesnt turn out how you imagine, and were able to talk like 20 years never passed. We ended up talking over the vacuum cleaners as we realized we’d shut the place down, and I asked him if he wanted to test the theory we had about the walmart cashiers at checkout and how the length of the line never matters, its about the energy of the person… we ended up walking around walmart looking at toddler socks, and a hideous track suit I talked him out of buying (sorry, it really was terrible,  leave the JNCO stripe in the past where it belongs, you know?) talking about politics and feeling grateful to have someone to talk to, match my energy and values. We ended up looking for rubber ducks, because his theory was why do the jeep owners get to have all the fun, and walked out buying a fishing net for one of my kids. We drove around the plaza and both stopped and said: ” ooooooh! Christmas lights!!!! At the same time, with a mixtrue of delight and wistfulness when we saw them already lit up in the plaza. Jinx. It was the most fun and the most I’ve felt like myself since middle school. The next day we ended up getting coffee at my house after work and he brought Henry over, his adorable nearly 1 year old, and I surrounded us with all my own toddlers toys and had coffee and played. It felt natural, easy, and we’ve been inseperable pretty much ever since.

Alex has turned into my absolute best friend. Hes been there for me in the most challenging chapter of my life, the chapter where you have to rebuild, and have no idea what youre doing, you feel like you have to apologize to everyone for even existing, and youre constantly learning, which means youre STRUGGLING. 💙 I got really involved in the church, and he started bringing his kids with him on Sundays, walking Henry in the back, and Emma his sweet daughter would color with Dom next to me. On sundays we would hang out, we went sledding, to the kids museum, or to his house for ice cream sundaes and a movie. We even went to see Santa together. The boys really needed someone besides me, and it was a great non threatening and positive presence for them in their lives. He scoured facebook marketplace for me to find a snowblower because he knew I couldn’t afford to have someone plow, and I would be alone, at 4 AM shoveling me and the boys out all winter. He gave me advice when I felt defeated in court or with any custody issues. He met me in the parking lot of the Sam’s club and introduced me to the wonders there, because his snack game was on point and put mine to shame for packing school lunches. We had so much fun, and were also there for each other on the hard days. When you feel like youre falling apart. We prayed together. We sat in a quiet church service on a mid week Wednesday and just cried. He was the one who found out Anthony should do track this year because he listened to him when he said he was interested in the gym. We had a chicken picnic in my car, I read self help books out loud and we dug into a rotisserie chicken and some supermarket cheesecake while we watched the sun go down. He brought me antiquing, and I brought him to art museums. He helped Dominic get rid of some fears and always was there to listen. He helped me when I was at my wits end with Joey, backing me up and offering new ideas and support. He got Anthony a fishing pole and took him out because he knew how much it meant to him because I was hopeless with fish. He taught Joe how to dig up worms and was always patient and kind with all of us when we were collectively a real hot mess some days. He never got mad, raised his voice or spoke unkindly. He’s been the kind of friend I couldn’t have made possible on my own.

I was reflecting this week on God’s plans, and how theyre not designed by you for a reason. We arent supposed to know the whole plan, just bits and pieces. Being grateful isnt just for the month of November, and its a practice I have to remind myself of when I only see part of God’s plan and get overwhelmed or frustrated with life and how its not going how I anticipated or wanted it to. I am leaning hard into my faith in this season, and I am truly grateful that I was gifted a best friend to share the last year with. Thank you, Alex.